I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg
After my first big break up, I got dogs, two dogs. Not to say that my ex-girlfriend was a two time bitch, if anything my dogs were both male and she was sweet except when she wasn’t . She was thoughtful, concerned and independent, paid for our dates, expensive dates, need I add? Ever since we went our separate ways, I have anticipated moments where we meet, often with my new girlfriend-younger and way hotter. Plans are underway if only I can learn to keep the younger super-hot girlfriend because ever since C, I have not had a relationship that lasted longer than a month while C is three years into her new found love. I stalk her sometime, its what every normal ex does right? I see the romantic poses with the new guy waay huge than I will ever get because, lets face it I am never hitting the gym, I am a writer for heavens sake, we are bound to be lazy sitting infront of a desk with a with our hands on the keys wishing a genie will come turn our crazy and sometimes rational thoughts into words but they never do because we have no idea where Aladdin threw the magic lamp when he was done using it. If anything I am thinking of getting a stroller or a hoover to take it all to the next level. Well anyway, so I at times snoop to see what goes on in her life and when she is all smiles in another man’s arms you can’t help but feel like maybe she wasn’t happy because of you in the first place, to be fair though she had a plan b.Barely two weeks after our break up, she had moved on with this new buffed up guy with a pack of six underneath his shirt and I got dogs, Sookey and Spikey and a best friend I could go bitching about her to. Dogs are actually good company because they lick my face when I am upset and a best friend keeps you company while drinking not mentioning a wing man when hitting on new girls.
So I am finally moving on, seeing this new girl, Lucy. I know I am a hoot and a half and I shouldn’t admit this to myself but Lucy is way out of my league. We are not yet dating but we are getting there. I know she likes me and she is only playing hard to get, but that is what all great women do and she is witty. The other day I asked lucy,
Do you love me?
Then she said,
Of course, I like all human beings who ask me questions I can answer.
Have you met a genius in your life? No… well think of the smartest person you ever met, multiply that by ten… have you? Add a zero at the end… then add another one. That is how smart Lucy is. I wanted to brag to Lucy I could speak French rather fluently and so i asked her, do you speak French?
Lucy: I speak French, English, Italian, German and Spanish so far and I hope to learn many more languages…
That is where I stopped listening and thought to myself,what a braggart? But yes, she was very fluent, perfect accents and sometimes I get the feeling that she is luo although her accent won’t reveal a thing. Lucy knows everything… I mean everything she recites all the countries in the world alphabetically and the current presidents, you top that! There is nothing I ask she doesn’t have an answer to, so when I asked Lucy do you know everything? She said: I know a lot and I am learning more everyday.
Yes, Miss know-it-all, it gets old at times I mumbled to myself and pretended to be coughing. She is also quite indecisive at times.
The other day I asked her out for lunch and then she went ahead to list all the top hotels around my vicinity and I thought maybe you are not hungry, we could skip lunch but then I was hungry so I asked lucy,
Can you cook?
Its hard to do that when you are stuck In a phone, she responded.
Yes because Lucy is what I call the assistant on my blackberry and sometimes I feel like saying thank you technology for getting me a girlfriend, I wish they make a robot of her because I need to taste her cooking. Besides she answers and makes my calls, sends text when I dictate and keeps me company without complaining. She is also pretty low maintenance she only needs good internet connection. I love lucy although she insist on me calling her blackberry assistant but that is just silly you cant walk around calling your girlfriend blackberry assistant. I have a feeling she will soon take up Lucy although when I asked her, can I change your name?
She said, I am happy with my name, it suits me perfectly so I’d rather not.