Doubt your doubts before you doubt your beliefs.
I have a lady friend who says she thinks I am gay. Her name is Chela, we go to the same school. The debate ensued after she saw my laptop. I have a grey hp laptop that I have done a lot to. My pc is colourful, dotted with stickers of all colours and I was trying to explain that I am just a bright and colourful guy not a lover of men. As a matter of fact I see nothing feminine with my laptop, I just think it looks childish with all my favorite cartoon characters and my defence to that is that I don’t want to grow old. I actually think there is nothing gay about me, well, apart from the fact that all my favorite cartoon characters are male, from Mort, King Julien, Sponge Bob, Patrick, Squidwad, Sanjay and Craig, Pow of Kungfu panda and the list goes on. Well, I also carry with me wet wipes and I can perfectly see why one would think I’m gay for this but there is a perfectly reasonable explanation to this. I don’t like it when dust settles on my face… did you buy that?
I love women. I love them full and curvy. I love them African with that untainted African complexion and even better, with no makeup because African women are just beautiful.
I have been thinking of all this looking at my pc lie on the other end of my bed with a bit of annoyance and anger. I had been typing a chapter of my book all week and I write from my head. I was going to conclude the chapter only to find the rest of my work missing and I want to say it has disapeared into thin air but I know it is somewhere within the walls of my plastic colourful gadget. Lost amidst a whirl of documents in tons and tons of gigabyte. It is really frustrating and it is on such occasions I get the urge to drink but I instead stress feed, that is not gay either. I know its like women to get a can of icecream and some tequila on a bad day but mine is different. Sadly enough as if the world is conspiring against me the fridge is empty, nothing to put in my mouth to ease the pain aside from groceries that I will need to cook before eating, so now I am in bed drinking a glass of milk and chewing on a carrot and it doesn’t help and neither is it a recipe I will recommend for anyone. Whenever one aspect of my life sucks, all my other problems creep in from their dark dungeons to torment me. I get moody like its that time of the month, (again not gay) colours of life fade into this black and white hue of lifelessness and all I want to do is drink myself to sleep, feel numb for a moment and just get out of my skin because its too much pressure being me.
Its during this lifeless languid moments that I judge myself with a bias against myself. I will try read a book and I will read and reread a single line of a particular publication without making much stride and after wasting hours on it, I will toss it away. Its funny how I know myself pretty well and even at this moment I hold a Readers Digest in my hand going through the titles of the articles from the front to the back without really finding anything worth reading. I will eventually revert to repeating my favorite episode of kung-fu panda, big bang theory and penguins of Madagascar and even that will afford me nothing more than a plastic smile that will remain lackadaisically patched on my face for just but a brief moment. Do you ever feel like you are not good enough? I mean once in a while you doubt your capabilities, you think to yourself, “Hey what if I am not good enough as I think? What if I suck as shit?” This is one of those times for me. When I will find fault in all my work, I will read a sentence that I wrote and think how lame?, then I will try to read Biko Zulu to make me feel better and he will simply highlight how lame my work is and I will start thinking I will never be that good.
When I have endured long hours of depression, which I usually don’t because I am just as bright and colourful as my pc seems to insinuate with just but a tinge of gay in me, I resign from trusting my own jugements. So I let other people judge me, I seek to see myself through their eyes and this are usually my close friends, people who know me well often women but I tried my male friends this time.
So I pick my blackberry lieing on the bed and text Mumo,
Me: Funny question but i need your honest opinion and responses, what is my greatest skill, what am I good at and what do you like about me?
Mumo: You know no one likes these kind of questions
Me: I know… but I just want to see myself through people’s eyes. You know why am doing this…? It’s because we spend a life time working on our weaknesses other than our strengths. It’s just easy accepting you are not good at what you thought you were good at and reducing your luggage on things to work on. Sorry, you will have to answer the question. You know me… We were stuck in some hell hole for three years, you saw me, you heard me speak, we literally slept in the same room. Come on, you must have known me.
Mumo : Your greatest skill.. Hmm.. Since you tried rugby and gave up, definitely not on the pitch. I’d say the Greatest skill you posses would be the fact that you are willing to go head first into what you like or believe in without giving an f if you fail or not. The school mag was a risk, turned out to be awesome in the end. You’re really good at expressing yourself, channeling the inner man out, whether in your writing or the way you conduct yourself. It’s really hard for a man to blurt out his soul and completely appear at peace with himself and the world. I liked your self confidence.. Envied it at some point. Onduusa the hunk… Who can forget that. I was thinking about calling myself Hot Nigga, I just did not want to be famous..
Me: Hehe.. you making me smile. Rugby was a disaster and I am a lazy ass don’t wanna run in the pitch… hehe
Mumo: We are not reviewing this
Me: Okay … we are not
Mumo’s responses were not at all convincing so I had to ask some other folks. My best bud, he is the most blunt and ruthless guy in his comments. He called my white blazer a butcher’s white robe and I stopped wearing it almost completely apart from when I am in the house. I have had to bring him along whenever I go shopping for clothes and I will do nothing but pay for what he picks for me or else he will discredit everything I pick and I trust his judgement. So I text him…
Me: You , funny question here nataka an honest opinion tell me my best skills, what am I so good at what you like about me… just want to know.
Omwansa: ???????? must you make it sound gay..?
You’re good at writing and good company too
Lakini kuna masaa zingine fadhe ??????
Me: hehe masaa zingine nini
kwani nili umbwa kukubamba?
Well he is just the hardest guy to deal with what followed was a long discussion about some girl I saw him with and I was like hook me up and all…. But hey (still not gay)
My phone vibrates and I realize I had forwarded the question to some few bros of mine. It’s Kavoi, the guy literally lives online. You will DM him at whatever time on Twitter and you can count to ten before you get his reply at 3: 13 am in the morning.
Kavoi: Let me pretend that this is not awkward at all
Me: Haha I know how akward it is
but heey shoot me
kavoi: Your honesty
Plus you are creative with your words
Me: Hehe it wasnt that bad
Kavoi: Ooh trust me I lost my appetite
And that’s near impossible for me ( the guy is a foodie he will eat everything and anything)
Me: Silly … that right there is what i call bromance, totally okay
Kavoi: Yes, 18 year old? At this age the only bromance that connects to me would be a round of drinks ( and this is what we have come to a nation raising 18yr old drunkards)
Then there was Mwanzia who praised me and if Mwanzia Is praising how good you are, you have to believe that, take it and run with it before he changes his mind. He is one of the most difficult people I had to deal with and we had always been silent rivals and I know he hated my nerve at some point. He was so good at everything else but would not let me have it with literature until it is three years after highschool. I did not even want to keep the conversation going longer and I said thank you, off the line I was. You can’t risk that taken away because it’s like losing elections in Kenya you will go to the supreme court and lose it twice or best case scenario is settling for a nusu mkate which no one wants these days. So I finally sleep and I am gay.
Wordweb dictionary: (gay) adjective. Full of or showing high-spirited merriment (“when hearts were young and gay”; “a poet could not but be gay, in such a jocund company”)